


Terrible Thought

by Pixie (magnetgirl)



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Kat is Not Okay, Mirror Universe, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sexual Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:07:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25273645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magnetgirl/pseuds/Pixie
Summary: @admiralkatcornwellfan requested Katrina Cornell and Mirror Gabriel Lorca + Slay 26:The deathbed confession I never wanted.
Relationships: Katrina Cornwell/Gabriel Lorca | Mirror Gabriel Lorca, Katrina Cornwell/Original Universe Gabriel Lorca
Comments: 5
Kudos: 29
Collections: Admiral Kat Fic Prompt List





	Terrible Thought

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AdmiralKatCornwellfan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AdmiralKatCornwellfan/gifts).



> Canon AU where Mirror Lorca ends up in Starfleet custody. Nothing good comes of it. **Please pay attention to content warnings.**
> 
> [ _Terrible Thought_ by Poe](https://youtu.be/ohK_c1cVs9k).

His shoulders are slumped against the bulkhead. Slumped but not relaxed. Not comfortable. Not casual. Not familiar. Now that she knows the truth she picks up on all the differences.

Her Gabriel is tall and broad and athletic but this one has more muscle. He's sculpted. And scarred. He's tense all the time, alert in a way that's pathological. She guesses that's what happens when you live in a society that promotes via assassination. Not for the first time she wonders who she is over there. Does she have an equivalent rank to this universe? If so, who did she kill to get it? 

She shudders and her companion glances over. His eyes are the same color as her Gabriel's. But they're hard. Mean. Even now, revealed and restrained, his glance is more like a glare. Kat presses her lips into a thin line. _He can't hurt you_ , she tells herself. But the damage is done. She can't relax either. 

It's worst at night. It takes ages to quiet her mind. The bed feels like a trap, a coffin. She's replicated a dozen different sheets and pillows but nothing's worked. It's different from anxiety. Anxiety she understands, anxiety she can manage. This is something else. She sees monsters in the shadows. Monsters with the eyes of her oldest and closest friend.

Her Gabriel's eyes were the color of the Earth sky just after sunset or before sunrise. They twinkled when he laughed and when he plotted. He loved to plot. He loved to surprise her. She didn't love it. She would frown and the space between her eyebrows would crinkle up and he press her skin with his finger and tell her she worries too much. And he was right. But he was also wrong. She'd brushed away her concerns the way he always told her to and now she doesn't know where he is. She ignored the way her body tensed at his touch and now she curls up in a chair to sleep because the bed causes a panic attack.

The imposter makes a noise. Not quite a laugh, not quite a word. He's still watching her, squinting even in the low light. He wants her attention. She looks deliberately past him. In the window sublight gives the stars tails.

Some of the admiralty argued for his release. They wanted to recruit him. It made her stomach turn. She was raised Starfleet, she lives and breaths its ideals. Compromise is a tenet but there's a line and she's pretty sure 'hire the genocidal xenophobic dictator assassin who blew up an entire starship to cover up his identity' crosses it. Pretty _damn_ sure. She believes in restorative justice but he has a lot to answer for.

For now her voice prevailed. But she's become so paranoid she demanded to be the one to bring him to the penal colony. She didn't trust he'd make it there on someone else's watch. And she hates it. She hates that she's become more like _him_.

"You worry too much." The tone is the same, with the hint of a drawl, but the inflection is wrong. But it's the words that make her head whip around. A cruel smile crosses his face at the flush of her cheeks. "Do I remind you of someone?"

"No."

"Don't lie, Kat." She flinches. His smile widens. "You're not any good at it."

"You don't know anything about me," she hisses.

"Of course I do." He leans away from the bulkhead, halving the space between them. "You like order. Rules. Laws. You want the universe to make sense." He glances to the badge at her breast, the glittering gold and blue. "Not really a good fit for your Starfleet. But you knew that." She raises her chin, refuses to respond. "You know how to listen. And how to make people listen to you. You're confident. You know what you want and you go after it. And you usually get it." He winks. "You got me."

Her eyes are furious. "I didn't want-" She cuts off at the look of victory in his eyes. Her stomach turns and she tastes bile.

"Don't lie, Kat."

Heart racing, she launches at him, hands raised, curled like claws. Blood pounds in her ears. Lorca licks his lips and she screeches, a long guttural yell that ends in a sob. She covers her wet eyes with her hands—

— and he grabs the phaser from her belt. Kat's eyes go wide as he kicks her shins, knocking her to the floor, and points the weapon at her head. She sits up and his finger tightens on the trigger. He's restrained, but armed, and she sets her jaw.

"I know how to get what I want, too," he says, leering. She seethes in silence. "Don't worry. It's no fun without a fight."

Kat's eyes flicker around the space. She could almost certainly reach the emergency call button. But at this angle he'd be able to pick off anyone who came through the door and she'd had transporters disabled so no one could beam out her prisoner. She's faster than him, but he's stronger and has a weapon. He'd probably only stun her, but then he'd have time to get the restraints off himself and on to her. Keeping him occupied until they arrive at the penal colony — where there are guards with phasers and hyposprays — is her best chance. She meet his gaze and sits back in place, letting her hands drop to her sides. She can't banish the storm of emotions in her eyes but she forces her posture to relax.

Anticipation lights up his face. He looks nothing like her Gabriel. She breathes deeply, slowly, and her chest rises and falls, calm and measured. Lorca steps into her space, dangles the phaser in reach as he presses it into her chin and demands she deactivate the restraints. She remains still and silent, ignoring the order and the temptation.

Lorca snarls and knocks her to the floor. He lunges before she can react, presses her body to the ground with his own. His weight is suffocating in more ways than one and she flails against him in a panic. "That's better." Kat squeezes her eyes shut and starts to count. _One, stop moving, two, stop moving, three, stop moving...._ "No, no, no." He scrapes the phaser across her skin. "Eyes up. Look at my face." She shakes her head. _One, two, three, four..._ She feels him shift and then pain floods over her as his hands connect with her cheek. "Look at me!" he spits and hits her again. Ears ringing she blinks and meets his eyes. He shifts again and leans down to cover her mouth, wild eyes still locked with hers. She pushes every emotion down into the pit of her stomach and counts.

_One, two, three, four, five..._

He throws his arms, wrists still locked together, behind her neck and drags her up into an embrace. She whimper as his tongue forces her mouth open. His lips curl up at the sound. Kat's eyes flash and she bites down as hard as she can. Lorca grunts, pleased, and she twists her body against his. His balance disrupted, his grip loosens and she forces him into a roll. She claws at his arms and the phaser is knocked out of his hand. He growls and tries to squeeze her against the bench but she elbows his gut and slips under his locked arms to scramble for the weapon. Lorca grasps her ankle and starts to pull her back down. She rips her insignia off and flings it at his head. Lorca dodges and Kat uses the split second distraction to wrench away and reach the phaser. As he grabs again for her waist she spins to point the phaser at his head.

A long moment passes, neither moving, the only sound their heavy breath. Finally, Lorca drops back to slump against the wall. "You wouldn't shoot an unarmed prisoner." Kat tightens her grip. Lorca smiles. " _She_ would."

A wave of cold terror and fury floods her every sense. "Shut up."

"You do remind me of her. When I saw you it was like waking from a dream." Kat grits her teeth. "We trained together. She was an overachiever. Dangerous at that age." His expression softens. "But she was smart. She had everyone's attention and she used it against them. Manipulated us into attacking each other. She was brilliant. And beautiful..." His eyes are wide and haunted, hurting. She's reminded of that night, how lost he looked when she walked out. His fingers twitch. "Like waking from a dream."

Kat pulls her lips in over her teeth. "You killed her," she murmurs, sick at the realization.

"I had to." His voice is quiet and small, like he's far away. It sounds familiar. It sounds real. "I loved her."

Her cry is wordless, her rage incandescent, her pain engulfing. She pulls the trigger and he falls over. She sits back, exhausted, the weapon limp in her hand and realizes three things.

One, his chest isn't moving.

Two, the phaser is set to kill.

Three, she's glad.


End file.
